Anxiety & Depression: Fighting FROM victory, not FOR victory

I would argue that I had battled with anxiety since high school, but I did not have the exposure to know what to call/label “it” or how to address it from a Biblical perspective. During my anesthesia training my anxiety transitioned from something that use to come and go, to what could only be described as complete bondage. This was partially because of the environment I was in and the inherent stress/responsibility my job entails, but 100% because my eyes were not fixed on Jesus. I was distracted for many reasons—there was NO margin in my life to be able to seek God because I had allowed school to completely consume my thoughts and my time.

I remember finally putting a label to what I had been feeling (anxiety)--it wasn't until I started having full on panic attacks that I called my mom sobbing one day and told her that I NEED HELP. I confessed to her that I felt like I needed to see someone to get medication because I could not continue like this. It was dramatically affecting my performance in school and I was completely crippled by the ever-increasing panic attacks. I was placed on anxiety medication and my doctor kept increasing my dose. I was 'feeling' much better as long as I consistently took medication. It was obvious to me when I missed a dose.

When anesthesia school ended I decided to get off medication because my circumstances had changed--I was even able to take my board certification exam without anxiety medications. But, about a month into working as a new CRNA I became overwhelmed by the new hospital environment and carried this intense fear of what people (CRNAs, anesthesiologist, surgeons, nurses) would think of my performance--was I good enough, was I trained right, are my skills up to par, ect. So about 1 month into working I began taking anxiety medication again. I felt so discouraged because I thought my anxiety had been "cured" since I was no longer in school. I had this idea that just changing my environment and circumstances would solve my problem—but nothing in my soul had truly changed.

---

On May 25th, 2021–just 2 months after starting my new career as a CRNA— I had a knife accident in the kitchen that severed a nerve in my hand that provided function to my finger. I had to have surgery on my hand and was not cleared to work for 8 LONG weeks. This season of waiting to be “cleared” for work still did not provide the assurance that my hand would ever function normally--I was having shock (nerve) pain and very limited mobility. And as a CRNA, everything I am required to do—must be done with my hands. During this season, I began to feel like I had no purpose and like my very purpose in life was being taken from me. This exacerbated my anxiety even more. I felt completely hopeless. At the time, all that I could see was that I had trained my whole life to do this one thing and now it was being completely taken from me.

I was so discouraged that I had restarted my anxiety medication so I decided to switch to herbal supplements ---I was taking 5+ supplements thinking that this was "better" than prescription meds. I even started going to a Christian counselor for the first time. I was doing everything in my own power to gain control of the situation in ways that I thought were “good” or “Christian”, but it was still my own effort.

Although there is a time and a season to take medicine (for goodness sake, administering medicine is my career!)—I had to ask myself, is this a bandaid that is just placating/numbing my symptoms (to help me ignore the problem in my soul) or is it actually healing me?

I had become a slave to anxiety and I thought that my good religious efforts could save me—but they were just a bandaid; there was no true freedom. All of my efforts were rooted in my striving. It was a glorified self-help initiative—what book could I read, what bible study could I do, what does my counselor say, what supplement can I take, what holistic principles can I practice?

For the first time in my life I categorized myself as having depression and anxiety—not just anxiety. I wish I would have written more in my journal about what I was experiencing during this season, but the only way to describe it was as being one of the darkest times in my life. I was utterly hopeless.

This crisis plunged me into a rich season of seeking the Lord more wholeheartedly and consistently than I had all throughout school. The injury to my hand and this feeling of lack of purpose drew me to Him even closer--Jesus finally had to become my strength, my identity, and my fulfillment. He had to be my Everything. And even though I was feeling closer to Him than I had been in a long time, it was still one of the toughest battles I have ever faced. I felt so in tune with His Spirit but there was still a part of my identity that I was holding on to in hopes maintaining a sense of control.

If my hand never fully recovered and I was never able to return to practice as a CRNA--would Jesus be enough for me?

A huge part of my testimony involves several sermon podcasts from Upper Room Dallas (titles: Battlephillic, Sabbath 1 & 2 and then Freedom) and a book called Back to the Gospel by Peter Louis. God utilized this deep dive to lay the foundation and mindset for me to walk into this radical freedom moment that I’m about to discuss:

I was listening to the podcast from Upper Room titled Freedom. Lorissa Miller ended her sermon by talking about surrendering to God even when don’t know what it looks like. I remember thinking — yes I’ve sought the Lord for help and deliverance from my anxiety and depression but I have never fully surrendered the EFFORTS to Him because I'm not sure what that even looked like. She described surrender so simply--

So I prayed to God in that moment and said… "I want to let go, I want freedom and I don’t know how…but I’m willing and surrendered—YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL….would you show me how.”

SO SIMPLE!! All of my previous prayers were—GOD help me with this, give me that...all about what He could DO FOR ME instead of surrendering to His will of HOW he would do it. And to be completely honest, I didn’t feel anything in that moment other than obedience. No goose bumps, no increase in joy—literally nothing tangible to make me feel better about my situation. But my story doesn’t end there…

---

That VERY NIGHT (Aug 19, 2021)—I was having a conversation with Bryce just verbalizing how overwhelmed, saddened, and ashamed I was of the emotional imbalances I had been feeling—my highs were so HIGH and my lows were so LOW. I felt such remorse and pain for what I felt like I was putting him through with my mental illness. Like it wasn’t fair for him to have to be walking through this too. It was enough for me to have to battle, but the thought of dragging him through the mud with me just brought such shame and condemnation. As I was talking to him, I began to cry and the only way I know how to describe this moment was like a tangible wave of accusation came over my head and flooded me— it was all consuming (MIND, BODY, SOUL) and it was arguably the first time in my life where I felt literal demonic oppresion in my body and mind— not just the ‘spiritual attacks’ we often talk about. I began saying things to Bryce like—I’m not worthy to have you as a husband. I’ll never be good enough. I’m so sick. I was spiraling in hopelessness and the torment was causing me to speak words of death out of my mouth. I began hyperventilating and could not look at Bryce in the eyes. He had even asked me to “look at him” and I was trying so hard but I physically could not. It felt as if this spirit was literally forcing me to gaze down in and shame and condemnation.

Bryce quickly recognized this as a full on spiritual attack and grabbed both of my hands, led me to sit down, wrapped his arms around me tight. He began declaring the blood of Jesus over me and commanding the enemy to be gone. He prayed in the name of Jesus and in his spiritual language (tongues). He proclaimed the peace/consistency/truth of the Lord Himself to rest on my life. The atmosphere completely shifted and the physical and emotional torment I was experiencing completely stopped. I felt the spirit of the Lord resting so heavy and thick in our room. As Bryce continued to pray, the Lord gave me this vision of chains breaking and me leaving a prison cell. Immediately after God gave me this vision, Bryce unknowingly began praying words of "breaking” strongholds over my life. I knew in that very moment that God was confirming He had just completely freed me from anxiety and depression! Since that day I have not been plagued with anxiety or depression and I have not needed any medications or supplements. He radically healed and delivered me!!!

---

Hindsight from the Battle:

Early on after God delivered me, on a very regular basis—sometimes multiple times a day— If I began to feel that familiar spirit of anxiety I would say —thank you Lord for renewing my mind and attitude Ephesians 4:23. Satan’s best tactic is to LIE. He is the father of lies—especially when there are fresh scabs he can try to peel off. He would lie to me and tell me that my ‘moment’ wasn’t as BIG as I remembered it (even though I journaled its entirety the moment after it happened) and he would interject feelings to cause me to question “did God really free you?” But I declare—Satan is not able to take away this victory no matter how he makes me FEEL! Our 'feelings' are not the same as Truth--they may be our earthly reality, but they are NOT God's eternal reality. His ways and thoughts are HIGHER than ours and He is calling us UP and OUT of our feelings (Isaiah 55:8-9)!

• Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding

• Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

• 2 Corinthians 5:7 for we walk by faith, not by sight

Anxiety (and any other stronghold) starts just like a seed that lands in the dirt of your heart—you can either water that thing by focusing on it, giving into it, ignoring it, or enabling it—or you can let the wind of the Holy Spirit blow over your heart and sweep that toxic seed away before it ever takes root.

The Lord gave me the sweet revelation in my heart (no longer just head knowledge) that my feelings in the flesh are NOT my inheritance. But by the renewing of my mind in the Spirit and through the Word of God, He would change my heart which changes my attitude, and then eventually my feelings will follow. I realized that this was a choice to walk in my inheritance (freedom) as a child of God. The very moment that we chose Him as Lord and Savior—He declares that we have the mind of Christ and that we are a new creation! He didn’t say ‘you will have’ or ‘you will be’—He said you HAVE and you ARE!

• 1 Corinthians‬ ‭2:14-16‬ ‭ But people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means. Those who are spiritual can evaluate all things, but they themselves cannot be evaluated by others. For, “Who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to teach him?” But we understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ.

• 2 Corinthians‬ ‭5:14-19‬ ‭Either way, Christ’s love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ.

I also never fully understood “taking your thoughts captive” 2 Corinthians 10:4-5. I knew the phrase and understood the principle —but practically I didn’t understand what that looked like in my own life. But its so simple—as simple as surrender—because its not something we can actually DO in our own strength. Instead, we surrender and ALLOW the GRACE of God to do it for us! It is as simple as speaking “I take all my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ” whenever anxiety starts to creep in.

• 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ

By declaring that you take your thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ--you are declaring that, by His grace, "I surrender my will to the will of God the Father--and your will is that I have the mind of Christ--so God, come and renew my mind and attitude"

By the power of the Holy Spirit and meditating on the written word of God (the Bible), He will begin to renew your thoughts. Eventually, your feelings and your thoughts come into agreement with what the Blood of Jesus is speaking over your life--and this battle shifts from being fought FOR victory to being fought FROM a place of victory!

And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony. And they loved not their lives even unto death.

Revelation‬ ‭12:11‬

---