Reflections in Motherhood: overcoming resentment, living fully satisfied

So it's been a while since I've posted--the last time was October 2022, to be exact. Since then, I've become a mother! My son was born December 2023. I love him more than I could’ve ever imagined was possible. He and my hubby are truly my greatest joys in this life in Christ. I had a family member ask me why I wasn't posting anymore and my answer was that--I only want to post when I feel the Lord leading me to say something specific, not just to increase the chatter. The last thing the world needs is me rambling my own soulish thoughts and opinions. I want to offer something renewed, something life-giving. But in even greater honesty, I feel God was actually keeping me hidden in quiet cultivation of a heart pruned and refined before him in this new season of motherhood. So I waited. I waited until I felt led by God to write.

What I share, I share in full transparency and vulnerability because I know that I am not alone. What I will discuss in this post was a struggle I encountered in early motherhood that God revealed to my heart and tenderly renewed the patterns of my mind by his grace. The reason I share is because I know there is someone out there thinking the same thing as me and struggling with the same issue—and maybe even stuck in a cycle of shame and condemnation because you know you don’t desire to feel this way. The beauty of the Gospel is that because of Jesus, the grace of God is able to help me in my weakness so that the power of God may be displayed perfectly in my life (2 Corinthians 12:9). He so graciously comforts me in my troubles so that when others have troubles, I can comfort them with the same comfort God gave me! (2 Corinthians 1:4). And even if you aren’t a mother or are dealing with resentment in a different area—I pray that the Holy Spirit will meet you right where you are.

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To begin, here is a glimpse of a journal entry I wrote about 1 month postpartum:

Last night I got frustrated because the hubby slept through his alarm to feed Elliott, and then this morning, he ‘ignored’ his crying cues to feed. As I sat before the Lord this morning, I repented for my anger, frustration, and resentment for having to feed Elliott in the middle of the night—after I had already fed him one time. I know I feel frustration towards the hubs—but I also acknowledge this uncomfortable resentment I’m beginning to feel towards Elliott—a completely innocent and dependent baby. (In that moment of frustration I honestly was feeling shameful and afraid of the emotions I was having—it truly scared me that I could be feeling resentment towards my own baby).

I’ve had frequent thoughts as Elliott nurses and I’m tired and weary that he “is draining me” literally and emotionally/mentally. I hear the Holy Spirit whisper to me—“but I am the one who fills you” and I remembered an image of a cup under the water faucet that never changed its fill line. It was always being filled. It wasn’t drained and then refilled—it was constantly full and overflowing. Jesus sustains and satisfies. There is no lack in his love.

As I sat before the Lord, I felt like he whispered to my heart that He is not angry, or frustrated, or resentful, or worn out, or hurried, when we come to Him and we need feeding and nourishment—when we are hungry and need our souls fed. This kind of love is strength. Its silences the enemy and the avenger—those lying voices in my head. This is the Father‘s love for us, that even in our dependency, our weakness and our hunger, his love never runs out, and is our source of strength to silence the enemy.

”Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, Because of Your enemies, That You may silence the enemy and the avenger.“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭8‬:‭2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

”The eyes of all look to you in hope; you give them their food as they need it. When you open your hand, you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.“ ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭145‬:‭15‬-‭16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

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In this sweet moment with God, he identified areas in my heart that were being cultivated by a wrong mindset. He set me free from the resentment that could have become the tone of my entire motherhood. He was so tenderly guiding me into His perspective of motherhood—renewing my heart and mind, and satisfying my soul. This truth elevated the seemingly mundane task of feeding Elliott to an opportunity for the grace of God to allow me to be a minister/witness of the Fathers love in a tangible/physical way. Bringing eternal significance to the little things. It’s not just a feeding, it’s an opportunity to become one with the Father and his love for me and Elliott. Now, feeding Elliott has been my most cherished moments—ask the hubs, It’s hard for me to let that role be passed to someone else! I’m already mourning the need to drop our bottle sessions as he approaches 1 year!

In motherhood, wouldn’t it be like Satan to take one of the most beautiful moments in your life, one of your highest callings, and plant a seed of bitterness and resentment for the changes that have happened to you (and your body!), towards the relationships around you, or even towards the child? I found myself early on after Elliott was born, feeling a deep emptiness and void. It was the strangest paradox of knowing I had just welcomed the most precious and awaited gift into my life, yet still feeling empty and unsatisfied. It was as if I had a vision for what motherhood would fulfill, a void it would satisfy, but it didn’t. It never could. AND it was an unfair expectation to rest on the shoulders of my little baby. But in the early hours of the morning when I would be nursing Elliott, looking into his beautiful eyes, Jesus would so tenderly remind me that He is the one who satisfies and fills me. He gave me a moment by moment opportunity to release Elliott back to him, the Giver of all good things!

The top five Google searches for resentment and motherhood, will lead you to believe that the answer to the problem—to that disgusting feeling on the inside—is more self-care. It’s focusing on your self more, having people help me more…but this fuels the never ending cycle when expectations still go un met and people let you down. This self-centered remedy seems to sound like a good solution, but in the end, plunges the roots and tentacles of bitterness and resentment, even deeper. Your aching soul, a soul that desires to be seen, desires to be understood, can only be fulfilled and satisfied through intimacy with Christ. When we become truly freed from our self. When we die to self.

Prayer: Satisfy every longing in my heart Lord. Fill every void, satisfy the desire for more. What motherhood cannot fulfill, satisfy me. What my work cannot fulfill, satisfy me. What my marriage cannot fulfill, satisfy me. What my family cannot fulfill, satisfy me. Show me your face. Satisfy me. Every longing, every void—fill me up. Overflowing. I want the plenty. I want you Jesus. It’s all from you. It’s all for you. You are the author and finisher. You bring everything to fulfillment and completion. In you, my joy is found.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.” Matthew 5:6

“Because I am righteous, I will see you. When I awake, I will see you face to face and be satisfied.” Psalm 17:15

”But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” Matthew‬ ‭19‬:‭14‬ ‭